🎯 Borrowed Expectations
The life rules you never consciously chose.
Read time: 3.1 minutes
Welcome to Better at Life, the weekly newsletter where I share one simple, actionable idea you can put into practice today to build better habits, sharpen your mindset, and live with more intention.
Many people think, there are a surprising number of things I thought I was supposed to have figured out by now: career, money, parenting, what success should look like, and how much I should be accomplishing.
I’m still not sure who set the deadline.
That’s the strange thing about expectations. Some of them are obvious, but others quietly become part of how we think life is supposed to work.
By this age, I should be here.
Someone in my position should be doing this.
A successful person should have that.
A good parent should always…
A good leader would never…
Eventually, we stop questioning where those ideas came from. They become the rules, and then we judge ourselves for not following them.
I call these Borrowed Expectations: standards for our lives that we inherit from family, friends, work, culture, or comparison without ever consciously deciding whether they belong to us.
Write this down:
Not every expectation you carry belongs to you.
This Week’s Action
Think about one area of your life where you regularly feel pressure. It might be your career, money, parenting, relationships, health, or some broader definition of success.
Then finish this sentence:
“By now, I should…”
Write down whatever comes to mind. Don’t edit it or try to make it sound reasonable. The first answer is often the most revealing.
Then ask:
Who decided that?
Maybe the expectation is genuinely yours. If so, keep it.
But maybe it came from your profession, your parents, your peers, social media, or an imaginary timeline you’ve been measuring yourself against for years.
Then ask one more question:
Would I still want this if nobody else knew I had it?
That question can clarify a lot.
Why This Works
Expectations aren’t necessarily bad. They can challenge us, give us direction, and help us grow.
The problem is carrying expectations we never chose. When we do, we can spend years pursuing things that look like success but don’t actually feel meaningful: a bigger title, a certain income, a fuller calendar, or a particular version of family life.
Sometimes the pressure we feel isn’t telling us to work harder.
It’s asking us to reconsider the standard.
Try This
A while back, we talked about The Invisible Scorecard.
That framework asked:
How am I measuring myself?
Borrowed Expectations goes one layer deeper:
Who decided this was worth measuring in the first place?
This week, notice whenever the word “should” appears in your thinking.
I should be further along.
I should be doing more.
I should have figured this out already.
When you notice it, pause and ask:
Is this expectation chosen or borrowed?
You don’t have to reject every expectation. Just make sure the ones shaping your life are ones you actually want to keep.
Weekly Reflection
Before you move on from this email, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
Where do I feel like I’m behind?
What expectation is creating that feeling?
Did I consciously choose it?
What would I want if nobody else were watching?
Write it down.
Then give yourself permission to return one expectation that was never yours to carry.
If this idea feels useful, feel free to pass it along to someone who might need it.
A better life isn’t built by meeting every expectation placed on you. It’s built by choosing which ones deserve to shape you.
See you next week — a little better at life.
______
Dr. Chris Mullen
Bring Better at Life to Your Organization
If these ideas resonate, this is also the work I bring into organizations and leadership teams.
I partner with organizations that want clearer thinking, stronger decision-making, and more sustainable performance.
Engagements typically include:
- Keynote speaking for conferences and leadership events
- Leadership development workshops for teams and managers
- Team strategy sessions focused on alignment and execution
For senior leaders seeking deeper application, I also maintain a small executive coaching practice.
